An Open Letter for the Bride-to-Be

Engagement season is over…are you a lucky winner of a lifetime partner in 2018? You may have noticed the crazy influx of engagement posts and pictures in the last month. Little did we know, December is the most likely time of year to pop the question! This confuses me, because December is hectic as hell, but there is a 16% occurrence of engagement as compared to an average of 8% in any other month.

Nothing wrong with piggy-backing on pure holiday joy to warm your partner’s heart! Also, it must be so exciting to come home to family and friends who want to celebrate with the special couple. Amidst all of the elation, there will be difficult decisions and plenty of advice thrown at you. You can and should make your own choices freely, however I recommend at least lending an ear to those giving you advice. I want the new brides in my life to know that what you are about to experience in the following months is normal, no matter how crazy it may seem to get.

First and most importantly: respect those who are genuinely trying to help you. While your wedding will be your unique work of art, it is polite to listen to the suggestions of others even if it obvious you plan to do things differently. Taking five minutes to listen to someone share their experience with wedding cake shopping (even though I knew I wanted pies) allowed them to reminisce on their special day and feel like they were able to help you. Respecting and listening are not actions that require you to give up any liberty of your own, it is just kind. More often than not, the people who care about you will not even notice if you didn’t heed their suggestions on your big day, but they will remember your kindness and maturity getting there.

You will understand all too soon how fun it is to share your bridal experience. (: Listening to others will bring both parties great joy and the opportunity to laugh and learn a thing or two!

Next, and not as lighthearted: You will fight with your fiance, probably even more than you did before a ring was involved.

Be gentle with one another.

Not only are you planning the largest party you will ever throw, you are trying to set a strong foundation for the vows you are preparing to take. Getting married is a huge commitment, both in time and emotion. It is important to take extra care during this time; you wouldn’t just leave a seed you intended to plant laying around on the counter, would you? Similarly, this is the start of your marriage and it is delicate. Wrap it up tight and keep it as safe and warm as possible before it is time to really get growing.

I have more plant metaphors (my favorite next to bird jokes) but I will sparrow you and leaf it at this: A ring on your finger doesn’t change who you both are as people. The day before engagement and the day after are not any different. All of a sudden, you just have a lot more to do and a lot more at stake. You still love each other more than you knew possible, it is just overwhelming. Hug it out, put the planner down and enjoy your partner as your best friend, not just as your fiance.

Last, and perhaps not something is typically mentioned, the woes of the wedding party. There is no such thing as a perfect, enjoyable entourage of acquaintances without drama. The tradition of the wedding party (number 11 is a doozy, maids-to-be, watch out!) dates wayyy back to ancient Roman law. A maybe slightly more historical account of this tradition can be found here if you are interested.

Brides, your maids were at one time just that… maids! These women would have helped you dress and prepare for the marriage ceremony. Maids also were once believed to trick evil spirits or enemies of the couple by dressing to look like the bride. I guess you just never know!

Grooms, your men were your s.q.u.a.d. and would get all kinds of physical to protect (or steal) your bride. The best man was the ‘best swordsman’ of the group and would fight off other suitors or disgruntled family members. They protected the groom’s honor and his new, lovely partner.

So…. why do we have a wedding party today?

Because tradition, silly!

I guess? Our modern idea of the wedding party has become a way to showcase the special people in the couple’s lives. It is an easy way to include your friends, cousins, siblings, etc. in all of the wedding shenanigans and proclaim publicly who your people are. It is sweet and fun, and everyone loves to feel important.

However, it is also expensive to stand up in a wedding and the relationships can be fickle and fleeting. Frankly, even your bestest of best friends is going to accidentally let you down or you will let yourself down by incorrectly choosing the people that you do. As humans, we mean well and we only want what is best. Engagements are a long process; people change and life takes weird turns. There is no way to know what will happen, and I truly believe the best you can do is go with your gut and enjoy the good moments because there will be plenty! Be forgiving and understanding with your people, and remember that they are important way beyond your big day.

When the vows are all said and done, it will be up to you to make your marriage your own. It will not feel like it, at all, but this time of engagement will fly by. Listen to your loved ones and thank them for their advice. Be patient with your partner because to the bottom of your hearts you only want the best for one another. Lean on your people but be strong in your values; your friends and family support you even if you begin doubting yourself.