The holidays create many ups and downs in our lives. Our bodies are working extra hard to keep up appearances while our appetites get exercised over new foods and those guilty pleasures we only get once a year.
I had a rude awakening after Thanksgiving last week that I felt is worth sharing. I know I am not the only one right now that needs to be reminded that you, natural you, cannot be controlled by numbers. No amount of body measurements, scale readings, calorie counting or dessert tracking will ever define your beauty.
Our scale has been out of order for the past month, and I thought I was OK with that. Normally, I hop on while I brush my teeth in the evenings just to “be aware” of my weight, whatever that means. I would not call it an obsession or a need, just a habit that I have formed since we got a scale as a wedding gift.
When the batteries died, neither the hubby or I seemed to care enough to grab three new triples A’s to put in. That is…until we got back from the Thanksgiving Four-Day Feast of 2018.
Besides the occasional emotional or demoralizing day, I do not often stand in front of the mirror and critique the body that belongs to me. I know where my cushy spots bunch up, I know where my curves are flattering, and I know how to hold myself strong and high because I am much, much more than my physical appearance.
Most times.
The beginning of this week I lost the battle for that mindset. I tried on a dress I have worn many times for work and suddenly felt like a month of eating and not measuring my weight had come crashing down on my reality. Suddenly, weight obsession was a very real thing. Anxiety kicked in, and I found I absolutely had time to throw new batteries in that bathroom scale.
Stepping on, I was nervous to see what number this electronic plate would tell me about my worth. Quickly, the values settled out, and I had not gained any significant weight at all.
Normal. Average. Typical. Expected. Mayyyybe a pound or two more than usual.
A good poop would make up for that, I was sure.
I breathed a sigh of relief, stepped back in front of the bedroom mirror, and looked happily on at my reflection. Satisfied.
My confident smile faded away as I realized what I had just let happen. I let that electronic thing decide how I should feel about myself. Nothing about my appearance changed between the first and second looks in the mirror except having a numeric value assigned to my body for the second.
What the hell is that about?
And as I thought about this, what was happening, I realized just how often I do this to myself.
“You should only bring one thing for lunch today, not two.”
“If you can stay between this weight and that weight, you will look fine.”
“That size pant you buy? Yeah, that should never change until you bear children, and you better bounce back quick because pants are expensive.”
We assign numbers to our bodies all. of. the. time! I know part of this is human nature and the need to normalize data and know where it all fits together in this crazy life. Before we even make our debut outside of the womb we are measured and our weight is estimated and compared on massive data charts to determine how healthy we are. The first thing a mother or loved one typically shares about a newborn baby is their weight and length. Throughout our childhood, we have been told where we are ranked in comparison with others.
It should come as no surprise that we have developed that habit for ourselves into adulthood. I don’t want you to think that comparing ourselves to ‘baseline normal’ in all situations is bad- this is how our medical professionals diagnose diseases and understand population health.
You, however, are a living and breathing data point. You change and grow and adapt. Every time you measure your waist, step on the scale, or try on new clothes you are taking that moment in time. Just that moment. That second does not define you or the effort you put in to being healthy, happy human.
I feel like the human body is what it is, and the more you make yourself comfortable with it, the better off you are. Love your body and embrace that. -Mehcad Brooks
I pray and hope that you don’t let these things determine your joy and confidence throughout the next few months. Take a moment and think about the habits you have that assign a number to your beauty. Personally, these are my battles:
- My weight on a scale
- I measure around my upper thigh because of my self consciousness
- A count of how many times I go for a run or my total miles
- Do my size X dresses and pants still fit?
- Having to by the pastiest white “Natural Ivory” foundation tone to match my Wisconsin winter skin.
I am going to step back from these things for awhile. The batteries will be coming out of the scale until I can (try) to assign my own worth and beauty without needing a number. I am going to be proud of myself if I even think about running as the tundra blows in. I will #sparkle in whatever tight dress I decide to wear for new years, and you can bet I will eat shamelessly all night. My husband calls me his ‘northern beauty’, so I will embrace that ivory white and know that I am endlessly loved.
If you don’t have someone reminding you of your worth, reach out to a close friend and get a group snapchat or message going. Remind one another that natural beauty, the kind you wear every day no matter what, is all that matters. Consider this an amazing gift to yourself for the holiday, simply to accept that you are beautifully and wonderfully made. There is truly nothing in the next month that can change that.
I do not know the individual struggle you will face overcoming this. I do not know how many numbers have been defining you or for how long. I know it is not as simple as just not using a scale or looking into the mirror with a new mindset. I do know that you owe yourself a chance. And there is never a better time than now.
You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. -Song of Songs 4:7
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles or the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. -1 Peter 3:3-4
Change happens over time. See what you can accomplish this week, and keep pushing forward from there. You are worth it the extra time and effort, and you are beautiful beyond definition.
<3 Drifted Way, EE
